Sometimes I cry when computers die. This time, I just got annoyed that my "day work" computer wouldn't die quickly enough. This e-mail was originally written on May 31, 2006. One of the IT guys thought it was entertaining enough to keep on file, and he just re-sent it to me (thanks Hubert!). And I thought it'd make for a quick blog post, as I'm up against many deadlines. And this e-mail worked, as it got me a new computer, so feel free to use it in your own workplace! (Author is not responsible for negative consequences.)
The e-mail was written by my computer. Truly. He thought he had hands, too!
Dear IT Team,
Although I have lived a long life where once I was useful, I now realize that my mental state is quickly declining and I am no longer the ripping cool beast I imagine I once was. Even if your earlier care has ensured me some good final months, I fear I must now take matters into my own hands.
My mental lapses are too much to bear, and every time I collapse, I take away small, important pieces of my being (ie. Marie's current files). And I fear, as wild fury grows in Marie's eyes and unladylike strings of profanity escape her lips, that she may in fact speed my demise in what I am certain will prove to be both an imaginative and funny way.
Before I sign off, I wanted to thank you for all your hard work in securing my life up to now, and I am certain my replacement will make me proud.
Fare thee well, may we meet again in some Microsoft-sponsored afterlife (until it crashes and our data-souls are forever lost).