The Real Reasons Behind Unpoppable Bubble Wrap (Be Warned. And Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.)

It was with great concern that I read this seemingly innocuous article: http://www.marketwatch.com/story/revamped-bubble-wrap-no-longer-pop-able-2015-07-02.  Great concern.  So much concern, in fact, that I wrote a letter about it.  Hopefully it will not be a letter without reply…  In this case, no reply may just be the most frightening reply of all.

Dear Leaders of the World:

It was with fear and dismay that I read that new bubble wrap is unpoppable. This concerns me so deeply that I felt compelled to write to you. All of you.

First of all, have you considered the implications of this?  Bubble wrap is well known to be a healthy and drug-free stress relief technique. By removing the Joy of the Pop (TM*), you are in fact making this nation, all nations, more dependent on drugs.  If we dig deeper, would it be revealed that this endeavor holds ties to the pharmaceutical industry?  Would it, Leaders of the World? 

Secondly, have you ever considered the true purpose of bubble wrap? Yes, it’s good to protect things. And those things are important.  Let me assure you, however, that no customer in the whole world (I did a survey) ever received a package with all of the tiny bubbles popped. Never.  Nowhere.  The bubbles don’t pop by themselves, because it takes willpower to pop them.  That’s right.  Popping all of the bubbles from a sheet requires willpower.  Human willpower, a force that can be cultivated and encouraged from childhood. Why would you want to create a drugged up world with no willpower? 

THIRDLY, and perhaps most importantly, the pop of the bubble wrap has united siblings since time immemorial (or at least a few decades, anyway). Children laughed as they all jumped on a giant sheet, or shared a sheet as chubby hands worked industriously (and willfully) to pop those tiny air bubbles.  Heck, I still share bubble wrap with my friends, and they with me, and the tiny deflating screams of bubbles keeps us united at a much more primal level than ice cream and corn puffs.  Is this an attempt to perhaps ensure that the citizens of our mighty nations no longer form strong bonds of loyalty to one another?  That their sole loyalty, perhaps, be to you? 

I write this to you with great distress. If you are in fact not trying to create a drugged up, friendless herd of sheep, you will stop this madness.  If you do not, then we have our answer. We’ll know that you’ve betrayed us, Leaders of the World. 

My friends, begin hoarding the real bubble wrap now. Dark days await us.

In solidarity,

Marie

I didn't even fear sending my brother's coveted working antique (and complete!) Adam computer on the airline's conveyor of doom to go up in the tumble plane, because: bubblewrap.

* unless already TMed by the porn industry